Saturday, April 16

Payton: Selfless Act

Payton is just an amazing little man. He's so caring and thoughtful. He has his quirks (that drive me crazy), but he's so loving and giving to those around him (except Max of course).

Last week, someone in his class did something that deserved a consequence. However, the teacher didn't know who did it. He asked for whoever did the action to step up before the end of the school day. Five minutes before the end of the day his teacher again asked who did the action. No one fessed up.

That is when my little man did what he felt God would want him to do. He went to the teacher privately and said "Since no one will say they did it, I will accept the consequence." As he was telling me the story in the car from the backseat, I was glad he couldn't see my face. I was tearing up. My little man was willing to take the consequence for a classmate...without even knowing what the consequence would be. His teacher was awestruck and removed the consequence. He told Payton that someone owes him a BIG thank you.

I've been reflecting on this for a week now. What would I have done? I think as adults, we get burned by other's actions too many times that we often hope someone else will take the blame or even look for someone else to take our blame. Am I selfless enough to do what my seven-year-old did? I hope so.

When I asked Payton why he did what he did he said "God just told me to. Pastor Amy taught us to give to others around us and God told me I needed to do that."

There is so much wisdom in that little man.

Saturday, April 9

Two Weeks In

Two weeks in and it feels like forever.

The boys are more emotional now than at the start, but I've learned (and they've learned) how to comfort them to make it through. Max likes to look at his "Daddy Book" that we put together for each boy with pictures of them with Matt. Payton needs a moment. Usually his emotions get the best of him and he needs a break to recompose. He's learning to identify that he's missing Daddy or if something else is bothering him. They are both using their "Daddy Bears" a lot too. And they are both sleeping better, but still not "normally".

As for me, I'm doing ok. I have moments where I forget he's not here. I think things like "I wonder what he'd want for dinner?" or "Matt will really like that!" or "Maybe Matt can take care of that tomorrow." I've had my share of crying moments and a lot of the time I still feel overwhelmed. I didn't realize how much he helps! It's true that old saying, "You don't know what you have until it's gone." I'm feeling that a lot. I need to remind myself often that I can do this. And I need friends to help. That's what they're there for, right?

I'm sure Matt's lonely too. But he's settling in really well to his new place. It's an amazing apartment! And he's enjoying his freedom to do things on his time. At first I was jealous. Now I'm just realizing that it's part of the commitment; he might as well make the most of it, right?

But that's not going to stop me from wanting time on my own when he gets home. I wonder if my company would send me somewhere for awhile...maybe Cancun?

Monday, April 4

My Secret

When I was maybe 8-10 years old, my oldest brother, Loren, got me a BIG teddy bear. Because I loved my brother so much, I loved that bear very much. At first, he just sat on my bed. Then during my years of heartache and teenage drama, he snuggled with me. Later, I used him as a pillow, resting my head on his belly each night.

When I went to college, I took him with me. He was a comfort of home that I didn't know I needed. Eventually, he moved into my first home with Matt. It was there that he lost his nose and eye in a tragic wrestling match with my German Shepard, Midway. She was a good dog, but she had a thing for stuffed animals.

As I became older, my need for this bear kind of waxed and waned like the phases of the moon. When I became a mother, he found a spot on a shelf and stayed there for several years. I didn't think of him much for quite sometime.

When Payton was about five years old, he asked me what my bear's name was. It hit me then that I'd never named this good friend of mine. He'd been such a comfort to me, yet I'd never thought to name him. I thought momentarily and told Payton, "His name is Secret. He keeps my secrets."

When we moved into the home where we live now, there just wasn't room for Secret. His home became the floor next to my bed. He was quickly forgotten. Until last week...

(I've mentioned before I'm an emotional cleaner. When feeling emotional or stressed, I clean. A lot.)
So last week, I was throwing out stuff along side my bed and saw Secret next to my gym bag (also gone unused for too long). I tossed him up on my bed thinking I'd figure out where he'd go later. When it was time for bed, there Secret was. Positioned on my pillow as if waiting for me to need him again. And with Matt gone, I did.

Secret has slept with me and listened to me cry through many times in my life. Now, he has a purpose again. But at almost 32 years old, I appreciate him much more. I see his value and the love and wear he's gone through. He's very, very special to me. And I'm so grateful to my brother for giving him to me. He had no idea what that bear would mean to me, even 20-odd years later.

Hamster Races

The last weekend Matt was here I ran into the pet store to grab some chewies for our beloved pug, Ringo. As I walked in there was a table set up advertising the Hamster Derby. I knew we'd need something to keep us busy that first weekend Matt was gone. This would be perfect! I purchased the track and headed out to the van. The boys were less thrilled than I expected, but soon excitement built. We trained all week...ok, a few days and soon it was race day.

When the races started, Lucky was one of ten hamsters racing. Payton was realistically optimistic though. Watching the 'warm ups' he realized we probably wouldn't take first because of a little speedball dwarf hamster. But we had a shot at the top three. There were three heats that would advance five hamsters. Then two heats to determine the finals. Lucky was a pro and won her first heat and the semi-finals without any trouble. But soon, I think she was bored and tired. We were unable to take a place higher than third, but Payton was really happy with that result. He claimed the third place prize was better than the other prizes anyway.

We are planning on attending the races again in October and hope to take a higher placing. But either way, we had a great time!

Saturday, April 2

What's Adult Conversation?

I've had this need to cry all day.  I've just blamed it on the new life and challenges we're dealing with.  But then in a conversation with my mom and another with a friend, I finally pin-pointed it.  It's loneliness that makes me want to cry.

Other than work, where we mostly talk about...well, work, I feel like I haven't had a real adult conversation in a week.  I have a ton of people who care about me and lovingly ask me how we're doing.  That's awesome.  I'm so very grateful for that support and compassion.  But it's not a conversation.  They're usually two or three passing sentences en route to the next job on my list or theirs. 

I want to talk about...something.  I don't even know what.  Not the kids.  Not how they're adjusting.  Not the lack of sleep I'm getting or the stress and exhaustion I'm feeling.  That's so real that I don't want to talk about it.  (Ok, except with my mom who has to listen to everything I tell her because she's my mother).  I guess when I finally have that adult conversation I'll have to think of something to say. 

So there, you have it; ramblings of a lonely woman is who desperate for a conversation - preferably a trivial one so I don't have to think too hard.