Monday, April 12

Failure as a mother

Now before this goes the wrong way, I *know* I'm not a bad mom. I'm a great mom. I do amazing things and I have amazing children.

THAT SAID, I feel like a failure to Maxwell. Payton had my best for 5 years. I gave him everything I had and he grew in leaps and bounds because of it.

Now, Maxwell is approaching the stage where I really got into the learning process with Payton and I don't have the energy or time to get it done with Maxwell. Max is not behind. In fact, he's far beyond what most three year olds know. He knows all his upper and lower case letters. He can write his name. He can tell you the sound every letter makes. He can count to 10 without issue and sometimes make it to 16 without trouble. He's not behind. He's not dumb. He's not in trouble intellectually.

But, last night, I melted down. Beyond a meltdown really. I cried for hours. I don't think I've ever done that. I feel that my working has done some harm to Max. Not major harm or something he can't recover from, but instead something that has altered his personality a bit. He seems to be in "survival of the fittest" mode. He throws things when he gets overwhelmed and he whines -- A LOT. He demands things without asking. And his responses at times are angry and meant to be intimidating.

It's NOT how a child of mine will act. It's not ok to speak that way to anyone. And I see kids all day long who have parents that didn't take the time to sit down and say "NO! You can't talk that way." I don't want my kid to be that way to someone else, especially if he can't talk that way to me.

And I can't allow for this behavior to go on. I don't want to look back in 10 years and say "We shoulda', we coulda', if we woulda'...". I don't want to look back and say, "I didn't do enough." And I feel I'm at that point. I'm at the point where I have to make a major decision that may change our lives; for better or for worse.

My children are my priority. Especially Maxwell. He needs me. He needs the best of me. "My kids" at school get the best of me for 8 hours everyday. Max gets what's left over from 4pm-7pm each day with homework, dinner and bath time squeezed in there.

I have to make a decision for Max. Max deserves the best. And I'm not giving it to him. I am failing him.

No comments: