Wednesday, December 15

it's been too long

It's been hard for me being here in the hospital. I don't like to sit still.  I need to have something to do and yet, with all the drugs, my brain won't focus well.  I haven't been able to read or anything, just doing little piddly things to stay busy.

As hard as it has been on me, I know it's hard on my family as well.  We're incredibly lucky that my mom is retired and was able to come up last minute and take care of the boys and the house while I'm here and Matt's at work.  She's been a huge comfort and blessing for us all.  But Matt is tired.  He's been emotionally riding high to try and protect me and deal with my extreme lows the last week.  He's done great, but I think he needs 12 hours to just sleep to be human again.

As adults, we understand that this is short term in the scheme of things.  We know that eventually I'll be back home and back to work and life will return to our version of normal.  But that's hard for the boys to see.  Maxwell is a little young still.  He'll be four in January, so a lot of this is going over his head.  He isn't too concerned, he just has moments where he misses me.  He seeks out a cuddle or hug from my mom or Matt and then seem to be ok for awhile.  The boys made me paper snowflakes the other day that I hung on my window here at the hospital.  Max can show his love in little ways like this and be satisfied.

Payton is somewhere between the innocence of a child and the maturity of an adult.  Payton realizes that I've been gone for a long time.  That compounded with the fact that "G-maw" (my mom) showed up unexpectedly is enough to get Payton's curiosity peeked.  He's been really lovey to the teachers at school they've told me.  And my mom said he's been asking for cuddle time.  The other night he mentioned that now he knows how two of his friends felt when their mom died. :(  He knows I'm not gone forever, but when you're 7 years old, a week can feel like forever!

There is rumor that I may get to go home tomorrow.  I'm not sure I'm physically ready to do so, but I know emotionally I am!  I need to see my kiddos!!!  It has been TOO LONG!

P.S. The hospital visitation policy is no children 12 & younger.  I probably could get them in for a just a short time, but with it being flu season and so close to Christmas, I'm not willing to chance it.

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